July 9, 2009

A Lesson in Probability

Life has repeatedly taught me that "shit happens". Good and bad things can happen to good or bad people. There is no justice or karma or plan. There is probability. Most days are uneventful. One day you may miss your plane which proceeds to crash. And, the next day you may die in a car wreck. (True story.) Like I said, shit happens. It's all a bell curve.

Starting last March, life dealt us a series of blows back-to-back. We were told our child had a progressive and fatal condition. Then we were told in April that his neurological condition was too far gone to qualify him for the only life saving treatment.

Yesterday, I found out that Bertrand's test for abnormal oligosaccharide bands, indicators of a fatal lysosomal storage disorder, after 4 positive tests, came back negative. Then, oddly, our mortgage company called us to refinance of our home for free. Lastly, Bertrand laughed.

I've been in and out of tears for over 24 hours. These aren't necessarily tears of joy--although, I can't even begin to tell you what relief I feel that Bertrand may have a chance to live his life. But, I feel so helpless, frustrated and jerked around. Up and down.

Gage, Cooper, Greyson and Joseph... all adorable little boys with fantastic parents, with friends and families who loved, supported and prayed for them, are all dead. They suffered horribly. They deserved so. much. more. There is no such thing as fair.

Gage (October 2008-July 2009) and Cooper (June 2007-July 2009)

Have I ever prayed for Bertrand? No. Many people have prayed for him, just like they prayed for Gage, Cooper and countless other kids. I don't presume the ability to influence the future in any other manner than with my own actions; and I know my actions will not always be enough. Good or bad, shit happens.

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